On Learning English.

So, things happened. New goals emerge, and now I need to raise my TOEFL score up to…

I’d rather not say, it’s a bit burden to me. Suffice to say, my last TOEFL score was 400 and something (about 10 years ago), and I need to make it way higher than that.

The problem is, my English grammar comprehension is… inadequate. I took several English courses in my school and college days, but I guess I never really learned it. I have read about past perfect tense, past continuous, adverb, adjectives, auxiliary modals etc. before, my school English teacher has already taught me and my friends about infinitives, gerunds, and everything the state curriculum wanted us to be capable of — nothing really sticks. I would forget about it the next day. Even until today, I am still trying so hard to guess the reason why someone uses the past participle in a sentence, and why the other choose to express their point of view using 3rd person’s verb? How exactly a person know when to use was/were or has/have in narrative writing? Who’s responsible for this sophisticated linguistic structure and where do that person’s descendant live?

I AM DESPERATE.

I don’t know why I spent so much money on English courses and still feel like an English dummy. English is one of my many insecurities, I never feel safe or confident about it. Often times, I wonder why my friends have such exceptional English grammar skill (I have this one friend who never enrolled in any formal English course before, and he’s such an expert, I hate him), so good that they could make an essay and thesis in English, and then get master degree from it. And here I am, expressing my thought on Korean drama using my very little understanding of English grammar (I’m talking about this post I wrote 2 years ago), contemplating whether to delete it (because it’s embarrassing) or not (because although it is embarrassing, someone out there still read and even commenting about it, and there’s this thing about self-respect and self-love, and blablabla).

So many questions and at this point, I am too afraid to ask. I don’t think anyone would be able to answer it anyway.

I’m not saying that my English is that bad. I think I’m pretty good at listening and reading (in that exact order). I read English novels and sometimes watch Hollywood movies without subtitle. That’s something, right? But when it comes to writing in English, moreover speaking in English, I feel this sudden urge to run as far as I can (judging from my agility and endurance level, it won’t be too far. I probably just hide, or pretend to be dead.)

Finally, comes a time when I have to deal with my English nightmare, and I’ve been thinking some ways to overcome my fear. One of the many solutions I found is displaying my English writing skill on this beloved blog of mine.

Yes, everyone. Please bear with me. Please bear with my babblings. Just, please. Please tell me that you actually understand what I’ve been trying to say.

So, a new blog category has been made for the sake of my so-called English enlightenment journey. You can find my English posts on my English category (can’t get too creative about it, I’m afraid I would make another grammar-false word). I am going to write various topics under the category. Please read it in your spare time, review it, tell me what I could improve on it.

And please, if you have any personal tips on English speaking, or maybe personal experiences on English pronunciation mastery, where to learn about it, how to be confident about it, how to not be partially brain-freeze in the middle of super-important English conversation. Please do share it with me. It will go a long way.

Thank you in advance!

Mandhut.

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One thought on “On Learning English.

  1. Pingback: My MBTI Test Results, | Racauan Manda

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